New Year Resolutions

As 2014 begins, I think about what I want to change this year compared to last year. I think back about how I handled last year, and overall I am pretty proud of all our family has done and how we have stuck together though the trials of bringing home a NICU baby. The kids love her, her dad and I love her, and we all enjoy having Juliet in our lives. We have all made sacrifices to help keep her safe and we all play our part in helping her develop on track. As a whole, my family is pretty awesome! But I think about how I did, and I realized I spend most (if not all) of 2013 running away from my pain of losing Jacob. I pushed it down, ignored it, and just pretended it wasn't there, until someone called me out on it. I now realize, I will never get better if I cannot accept the pain of losing him. I feel I have hit a wall with my "healing" and find myself not getting any better. So, for 2014, my goal is to heal more. Its to cry when I need to, and not be afraid to laugh when I want to as well. I want to enjoy life again, and I know part of enjoying life, is also accepting the pain as it comes.
SO... what that means is I will be starting a new blog. (I figured you all really wanted to know about Juliet and not me.. haha.) Oh and I will continue this one for updates on Juliet. I'm not sure what it will be called yet, but I am hoping it will be a place for other grieving moms to get support and for others to see what the loss of a child really does to the parents who are left behind.
Besides the blog, I plan on doing more. More with Juliet, and more to support those who were born so early. Juliet has been an inspiration, as she is such a happy baby. I wish I could have the joy that she has, so that is what I will be trying to get to. I want to let God in and show me that life can still be joyful, even when it is painful. I know God is the only one who can stitch me back together, and I am ready for Him to do so.
So here is to a great 2014, with lots of healing. I hope you all follow me in my new journey, and keep me accountable. I know I cannot do this by myself. But with God on my side, EVERYTHING is possible. I will beat this pain, and while Jacob will never be forgotten, I hope I can change my memories of him from ones of pain, to ones of joy.

I FORGOT CHRISTMAS!!!

As I was looking back over the blog and where I left off, I realized I never talked about CHRISTMAS!!! How in the world did I forget it?!
So, even though its late here is Christmas...

Christmas was great this year! It was Juliet's First Christmas at home and she loved all the decorations. She would crawl to the tree every morning and see how many ornaments she could pull off before I got to her. She loved to "watch" the tree and lights and always seemed to be looking for something. It was so sweet to watch her "dance" to the Christmas music. Christmas morning was fun as she is almost old enough to enjoy opening presents. Thankfully, her older siblings helped her with opening them and setting up her toys. I think her favorite time of day was Christmas dinner. I think she ate 3 helpings of ham along with roles and sweet potatoes. All the present opening made her a tired girl!
Grandma came for Christmas this year and it was great to watch them interact for the first time in a while. Juliet really enjoys people and loves to watch those around her.

As with every holiday, it was bittersweet. I don't think Christmas hit me as hard last year because Juliet was still in the NICU. This year, having her home and our "whole" family together made it even more obvious that Jacob is still missing.  I hung all of our stocking up with year, Jacob included and I love the way it looks. If only just with our stockings, we are all together. I also started a new tradition in honor our sweet boy. Every year, on Christmas day, I will write Jacob a letter and stick it in his stocking. It will stay there, and as the years pass, I will be able to see what has gone on and how life has changed, while my love for Jacob stays the same. He will always be a part of our lives and especially our holidays. Day by day we keep moving, but we never forget our guardian angel that brought Juliet to us.

Goodbye 2013

As I look back at 2013, I have so many memories come to mind. This was a year of great trials, and great, great accomplishments. I am thrilled when I think back to Juliet coming home this year! Seeing her in her home for the first time, and watching her relationships with her brothers and sister grow is one that every parent loves to see. There were those moments that made me so proud of our girl, and those moments that made me realize she is still struggling.  We had bittersweet moments during her birthday, when we all knew we should be celebrating two birthdays, not one. Those times when she stared so intently at the mirror, and it made me realize that she knows Jacob's missing too. We celebrated her first Thanksgiving and Christmas at home. While so many wonderful things have happened in 2013, I am ready for 2014. I am ready to continue healing from the loss of Jacob. I am ready to continue to fight to help Juliet catch up and live the life God sent her here to live. I am ready for whatever or whoever God puts in our lives this year. We are ready for a great 2014.
I hope you are ready too. Live life to praise God, through all the good, and especially the bad. Show the world the way to a perfect life; one without hurt and pain. Show love to that person you cannot stand, or forgiveness to the one who hurt you the most. Let's make 2014 a year that no one will forget. God Bless You All!!!

Thanksgiving 2013

Thanksgiving 2012

Thanksgiving 2013

As I think about all I have to be thankful for, I am taken back to Thanksgiving 2012. Juliet was 16 days old, and we were learning how to grieve the loss of Jacob. Brett had taken our other kids up to Grandma's house to keep a bit of normalcy for them, while I stayed home and spent most of my waking hours by Juliet's side. It was hard to be thankful when I had said goodbye to Jacob just a few days earlier, but God gave me a wonderful gift on Thanksgiving Day. He made it possible for me to hold my daughter for the first time in her life. She was so tiny her whole body fit above the neck of my shirt. Not only was I allowed to hold her, but she did wonderful! Her oxygen requirements dropped and she rested peacefully on my chest for over an hour! This was just the beginning. This year, I have so much to be thankful for. I still grieve for Jacob and the "what ifs", but Juliet has come so far and we are truly blessed. I am so thankful for her strength, determination, and stubbornness. (I may despise those qualities when I am staring at the teenager, but for now, I love them!) I am thankful for the doctors, nurses and more who have become close friends through this journey. I am thankful for friends who have stood by our side through good and bad. I am thankful for family who loves our Juliet as much as we do. But, most of all, I am thankful for the salvation Jesus as given us. Through this, I know I will see my Jacob again. I know one day, I will be surrounded by all my children together and enjoying time with one another. I pray you all have a blessed day. Remember what God has given us. Thanksgiving is not about the turkey, or the Indians, or the great deals on toys. Be thankful for what you have! And God Bless You!

November 17th

Today is World Prematurity Awareness Day. In honor of all those babies born too early, we are all wearing Purple. Any baby born before 37 weeks gestation is considered premature. Out of my 5 children, technically, 4 of them were premature. My second child, Loralei was born at 36 weeks 6 days gestation, but did not spend any extra time in the hospital. Our third was born at 35 weeks and he spent 10 days in the NICU after he ripped a hole in his lung during his first bath. And of course, our twins born at 25 weeks gestation. While prematurity was a bigger obstacle for Juliet and Jacob, Jackson and Loralei also had to fight it. This is something, that with more awareness, we can bring new technology in to help keep babies inside their mom for longer, as well as help those that have no choice but to come early. We are honored to be the parents of premature babies, but we hope to see a day when it is no longer an issue. Please join us in wearing purple today. For Jackson, and Jacob our angel, and Juliet our miracle baby. And for all those out there who had to fight prematurity!

Letter to my Angel

Jacob,
Today is the first day I saw you. I loved you from the moment I knew you existed. And I love you more and more every day. As I think back to this day a year ago, I cannot help but feel like I failed you. I tried so hard to keep you in my arms, but it was not in God's plans. I know God is good, and his plans are to give me a hope and a future. I look back at today and love today. It was  wonderful day. You were doing well, you were even making small improvements. I love today, because it was a day with you.You were mine, and you were here. It was your birthday. So today, we celebrate your birthday. We smile, we laugh, we remember. No matter how short of a time it was, it was time with you. I will cherish every moment I had with you, and always wish for more. I wonder what you would be like today. What would you like; who would you look like? So many things run through my head today. I smile because I love you, but behind that smile, my heart is broken. I miss you baby boy. I miss you kicking me, I miss your face, your tiny hands. I miss that feeling of you in my arms. But I know you are celebrating today. You are enjoying your birthday with an amazing group of friends, family and other tiny angels. I look forward to celebrating with you one day. Enjoy your birthday baby!
I love you with all my heart my son,
Mommy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKBhAG2SNKE

To My Daughter, On Her First Birthday

As I sit here tonight, I am going over this day, last year. It started out as wonderful day. It was my first chance out of my hospital room and I loved seeing my husband every day for lunch. That all changed so quickly, I sometimes forget the details. I remember them all today. They are burned in my memory, and they will always be there when I need them. The one that I remember most of all, though, is seeing the look in your father's eyes when I saw him for the first time after your delivery. I had been awake for a few minutes and no would tell me if you were alive. Your dad walked in, with nothing but pure excitement in his eyes. He was in love. He told me how well you were doing and how perfect you were. He showed me a picture of you, the only one I have of you from your birthday. You were beautiful. You were perfect. But your beauty has grown and grown in this past year. You have shown me what it means to be faithful. How to be strong when I didn't think I could; how to surrender when I don't want to; and how to love like I have never loved before. You taught me that not all birth stories are the way we want them, but they are all perfect. You have shown me its ok to smile again. You have made me laugh when I didn't think I could, and you have proven to me, no matter what they say, the doctors don't know everything. God can do anything he want to do, whether or not it makes sense. Juliet, you are an amazing child of God. Don't ever forget that. God has big plans for you. You have come so far this past year. You have blow doctors away with your progress and your health. I cannot count the number of times I have been told that "this just doesn't happen" from a doctor about how well you are improving. I cannot help but smile. We know it "just doesn't happen". God did this. He brought you to us, perfect in every way. I was asked tonight what my 3 favorite things about you are. My first answer was your smile. It has helped me heal so much, seeing the joy you have. It is all worth it to see you smile every day. But its not just your smile, but your personality. You are a happy child. You know how to enjoy life. My prayer for you is that you never forget that. The one thing I didn't say, because I didn't think I could voice it, was I love your story. I love to tell others about you and your brother, and how God has actively been working in our life since the day you were conceived. Don't ever forget who you are my child. A wonderful creation of a loving God, who felt this world needed a light like you to shine for him. Blessed are you my child, for you have an amazing Heavenly Father who loves you more than you will ever know. We are blessed to be called your parents and we love you more than you will ever know. I look forward to many more years and birthdays. I know they will always be a reminder of what God can do in our lives if we surrender to him. Shine brightly for Him, Juliet.