Goodbye 2013

As I look back at 2013, I have so many memories come to mind. This was a year of great trials, and great, great accomplishments. I am thrilled when I think back to Juliet coming home this year! Seeing her in her home for the first time, and watching her relationships with her brothers and sister grow is one that every parent loves to see. There were those moments that made me so proud of our girl, and those moments that made me realize she is still struggling.  We had bittersweet moments during her birthday, when we all knew we should be celebrating two birthdays, not one. Those times when she stared so intently at the mirror, and it made me realize that she knows Jacob's missing too. We celebrated her first Thanksgiving and Christmas at home. While so many wonderful things have happened in 2013, I am ready for 2014. I am ready to continue healing from the loss of Jacob. I am ready to continue to fight to help Juliet catch up and live the life God sent her here to live. I am ready for whatever or whoever God puts in our lives this year. We are ready for a great 2014.
I hope you are ready too. Live life to praise God, through all the good, and especially the bad. Show the world the way to a perfect life; one without hurt and pain. Show love to that person you cannot stand, or forgiveness to the one who hurt you the most. Let's make 2014 a year that no one will forget. God Bless You All!!!

Thanksgiving 2013

Thanksgiving 2012

Thanksgiving 2013

As I think about all I have to be thankful for, I am taken back to Thanksgiving 2012. Juliet was 16 days old, and we were learning how to grieve the loss of Jacob. Brett had taken our other kids up to Grandma's house to keep a bit of normalcy for them, while I stayed home and spent most of my waking hours by Juliet's side. It was hard to be thankful when I had said goodbye to Jacob just a few days earlier, but God gave me a wonderful gift on Thanksgiving Day. He made it possible for me to hold my daughter for the first time in her life. She was so tiny her whole body fit above the neck of my shirt. Not only was I allowed to hold her, but she did wonderful! Her oxygen requirements dropped and she rested peacefully on my chest for over an hour! This was just the beginning. This year, I have so much to be thankful for. I still grieve for Jacob and the "what ifs", but Juliet has come so far and we are truly blessed. I am so thankful for her strength, determination, and stubbornness. (I may despise those qualities when I am staring at the teenager, but for now, I love them!) I am thankful for the doctors, nurses and more who have become close friends through this journey. I am thankful for friends who have stood by our side through good and bad. I am thankful for family who loves our Juliet as much as we do. But, most of all, I am thankful for the salvation Jesus as given us. Through this, I know I will see my Jacob again. I know one day, I will be surrounded by all my children together and enjoying time with one another. I pray you all have a blessed day. Remember what God has given us. Thanksgiving is not about the turkey, or the Indians, or the great deals on toys. Be thankful for what you have! And God Bless You!

November 17th

Today is World Prematurity Awareness Day. In honor of all those babies born too early, we are all wearing Purple. Any baby born before 37 weeks gestation is considered premature. Out of my 5 children, technically, 4 of them were premature. My second child, Loralei was born at 36 weeks 6 days gestation, but did not spend any extra time in the hospital. Our third was born at 35 weeks and he spent 10 days in the NICU after he ripped a hole in his lung during his first bath. And of course, our twins born at 25 weeks gestation. While prematurity was a bigger obstacle for Juliet and Jacob, Jackson and Loralei also had to fight it. This is something, that with more awareness, we can bring new technology in to help keep babies inside their mom for longer, as well as help those that have no choice but to come early. We are honored to be the parents of premature babies, but we hope to see a day when it is no longer an issue. Please join us in wearing purple today. For Jackson, and Jacob our angel, and Juliet our miracle baby. And for all those out there who had to fight prematurity!

Letter to my Angel

Jacob,
Today is the first day I saw you. I loved you from the moment I knew you existed. And I love you more and more every day. As I think back to this day a year ago, I cannot help but feel like I failed you. I tried so hard to keep you in my arms, but it was not in God's plans. I know God is good, and his plans are to give me a hope and a future. I look back at today and love today. It was  wonderful day. You were doing well, you were even making small improvements. I love today, because it was a day with you.You were mine, and you were here. It was your birthday. So today, we celebrate your birthday. We smile, we laugh, we remember. No matter how short of a time it was, it was time with you. I will cherish every moment I had with you, and always wish for more. I wonder what you would be like today. What would you like; who would you look like? So many things run through my head today. I smile because I love you, but behind that smile, my heart is broken. I miss you baby boy. I miss you kicking me, I miss your face, your tiny hands. I miss that feeling of you in my arms. But I know you are celebrating today. You are enjoying your birthday with an amazing group of friends, family and other tiny angels. I look forward to celebrating with you one day. Enjoy your birthday baby!
I love you with all my heart my son,
Mommy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKBhAG2SNKE

To My Daughter, On Her First Birthday

As I sit here tonight, I am going over this day, last year. It started out as wonderful day. It was my first chance out of my hospital room and I loved seeing my husband every day for lunch. That all changed so quickly, I sometimes forget the details. I remember them all today. They are burned in my memory, and they will always be there when I need them. The one that I remember most of all, though, is seeing the look in your father's eyes when I saw him for the first time after your delivery. I had been awake for a few minutes and no would tell me if you were alive. Your dad walked in, with nothing but pure excitement in his eyes. He was in love. He told me how well you were doing and how perfect you were. He showed me a picture of you, the only one I have of you from your birthday. You were beautiful. You were perfect. But your beauty has grown and grown in this past year. You have shown me what it means to be faithful. How to be strong when I didn't think I could; how to surrender when I don't want to; and how to love like I have never loved before. You taught me that not all birth stories are the way we want them, but they are all perfect. You have shown me its ok to smile again. You have made me laugh when I didn't think I could, and you have proven to me, no matter what they say, the doctors don't know everything. God can do anything he want to do, whether or not it makes sense. Juliet, you are an amazing child of God. Don't ever forget that. God has big plans for you. You have come so far this past year. You have blow doctors away with your progress and your health. I cannot count the number of times I have been told that "this just doesn't happen" from a doctor about how well you are improving. I cannot help but smile. We know it "just doesn't happen". God did this. He brought you to us, perfect in every way. I was asked tonight what my 3 favorite things about you are. My first answer was your smile. It has helped me heal so much, seeing the joy you have. It is all worth it to see you smile every day. But its not just your smile, but your personality. You are a happy child. You know how to enjoy life. My prayer for you is that you never forget that. The one thing I didn't say, because I didn't think I could voice it, was I love your story. I love to tell others about you and your brother, and how God has actively been working in our life since the day you were conceived. Don't ever forget who you are my child. A wonderful creation of a loving God, who felt this world needed a light like you to shine for him. Blessed are you my child, for you have an amazing Heavenly Father who loves you more than you will ever know. We are blessed to be called your parents and we love you more than you will ever know. I look forward to many more years and birthdays. I know they will always be a reminder of what God can do in our lives if we surrender to him. Shine brightly for Him, Juliet.

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween from our little Pumpkin!  I will admit this is a bittersweet day for me. This is Juliet's last First Holiday! This time last year, I was waiting patiently for my older three to come up and go trick or treating at the hospital! (They came up and handed out candy to all the nurses stations). Little did we know, we would be welcome Jacob and Juliet into this world just 6 short days later. Hope you all have a wonderful Halloween and stay safe!

October 15th

Most people know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. But what most don't know, is it is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month too. Statistics show that one in four pregnancy end in loss. I am one of those 4, 7 times over. We have lost 6 children to miscarriage over the years. We have also lost our Jacob. There is no pain like that of losing your child. This is such a taboo subject, but that needs to change. Mothers need to talk about their children: ALL of them! Women need to be aware that, unfortunately, this is very common. They need to know they are not alone. If we cared as much about these infants as we did about boobies, we would be able to save so many lives. Don't get me wrong, I am all for supporting breast cancer and those who are fighting it. But a big part of women's health is mental. What about all the women who are secretly suffering the lose of a child and feel like they are alone. We need to get these subject out there, so people feel comfortable expressing their pain. I will never not mention Jacob. He will never be forgotten, and if it makes someone else uncomfortable, shame on them! Mamas, talk about your babies. Don't let society make you feel like you cannot mention the life, no matter how short it was, of your sweet little angel.
October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, where we are asked to light a candle at 7pm, local time, and keep it burning for one hour. As each time zone does this, we create a wave of Light around the World, to honor all those gone to soon. This year, I sat down with my children, and explained to them why we were lighting a candle for Jacob. We talked about what it would be like to have him here, and what we thought he was doing up in Heaven. We talked about what we missed, and what we wished would have been reality. I know right now, my children may not understand it, but I want them to know their brother, and know how much we loved him. We will light a candle for Jacob and all the other babies every year on October 15th, and I ask that next October, don't forget the babies, when everyone else is focused on the boobies!