Valentine's Day 2014

Juliet with Jacob's urn

Today marks the day Juliet and Jacob "should" be celebrating their first birthday. Oh the what if...

Instead, Juliet is 15 months old now and progressing great. She went in for her 15 month check up and here are her stats (all of these are based on full term babies)

Head circumference: 17.91 inches (45 percentile)
Weight: 20lbs 8oz (39 percentile)
Height: 29.5 inches (15th percentile)

Over all, her development has been great and she is growing at a constant rate. She is healthy, which is wonderful as we begin to come to the end of RSV season. We will be continue to be on lock down until the middle of April.

Juliet is consistently taking 3-7 steps at a time, and she is really enjoying being able to be up. She loves to walk with help all over our house! I cannot believe she will be a toddler before too long! We will go into First Steps for a full evaluation in March. That should be our last appointment with them as long as everything goes well.
All in all, she is doing wonderful and we are excited that she is improving so well. Thank you for all the continue prayers for her and our family!

Juliet and "Jacob Bear"

Our Girl is Almost WALKING!!!

It has been a while since I updated on here, so there are a lot of new things going on!
Juliet is making wonderful progress this year and so far we are in awe of her abilities. She is down to only one therapy session a week instead of the two she was getting last year. She is standing on her own and loving it! She will bounce to music and loves to "dance" with mommy. She has just started clapping, and expects everyone to clap for her when she does it. Trust me, she will stare you down until you clap for her. (She is going to be very upset when she realizes she really is not the center of the universe).

Just in the past week, she has begun taking steps on her own. She has gone up to 3 steps before she fell into Daddy's arms. She is so proud of herself and she loves being up. It won't be long before our little miracle child is a TODDLER!! Oh where has the time gone?!

We have also started working on sign language with her. She now knows "all done" and "more". Its great to see her communicating and the joy on her face when she realizes we understand what she wants. (Well, unless she tells us "all done" during therapy, and doesn't get her way).  She has also started to babble more, and loves to "talk" to her big brother Jackson.

She is weighting right at 21 pounds and has started to join in when Daddy wrestles with the big kids. It is so wonderful to see her interacting with her siblings and becoming the independent child that she is.

We are still on "house arrest" until the middle of April, but so far we have managed to avoid any major illnesses, so it must be working.  It will be an adjustment for all of us to go back out into public when we are allowed to, but I am looking forward to showing off our girl to all our close friends and church family.

We are getting close to the one year anniversary of her coming home from the Hospital. I still cannot believe she has been home for a YEAR!!! I expect one day, these dates may not seem as big to me, but I cannot help but think of all we have accomplished in the past year. I am so THANKFUL God has blessed me with this little girl, and even though the beginning of her life was not "great", I wouldn't trade it for anything.

New Year Resolutions

As 2014 begins, I think about what I want to change this year compared to last year. I think back about how I handled last year, and overall I am pretty proud of all our family has done and how we have stuck together though the trials of bringing home a NICU baby. The kids love her, her dad and I love her, and we all enjoy having Juliet in our lives. We have all made sacrifices to help keep her safe and we all play our part in helping her develop on track. As a whole, my family is pretty awesome! But I think about how I did, and I realized I spend most (if not all) of 2013 running away from my pain of losing Jacob. I pushed it down, ignored it, and just pretended it wasn't there, until someone called me out on it. I now realize, I will never get better if I cannot accept the pain of losing him. I feel I have hit a wall with my "healing" and find myself not getting any better. So, for 2014, my goal is to heal more. Its to cry when I need to, and not be afraid to laugh when I want to as well. I want to enjoy life again, and I know part of enjoying life, is also accepting the pain as it comes.
SO... what that means is I will be starting a new blog. (I figured you all really wanted to know about Juliet and not me.. haha.) Oh and I will continue this one for updates on Juliet. I'm not sure what it will be called yet, but I am hoping it will be a place for other grieving moms to get support and for others to see what the loss of a child really does to the parents who are left behind.
Besides the blog, I plan on doing more. More with Juliet, and more to support those who were born so early. Juliet has been an inspiration, as she is such a happy baby. I wish I could have the joy that she has, so that is what I will be trying to get to. I want to let God in and show me that life can still be joyful, even when it is painful. I know God is the only one who can stitch me back together, and I am ready for Him to do so.
So here is to a great 2014, with lots of healing. I hope you all follow me in my new journey, and keep me accountable. I know I cannot do this by myself. But with God on my side, EVERYTHING is possible. I will beat this pain, and while Jacob will never be forgotten, I hope I can change my memories of him from ones of pain, to ones of joy.

I FORGOT CHRISTMAS!!!

As I was looking back over the blog and where I left off, I realized I never talked about CHRISTMAS!!! How in the world did I forget it?!
So, even though its late here is Christmas...

Christmas was great this year! It was Juliet's First Christmas at home and she loved all the decorations. She would crawl to the tree every morning and see how many ornaments she could pull off before I got to her. She loved to "watch" the tree and lights and always seemed to be looking for something. It was so sweet to watch her "dance" to the Christmas music. Christmas morning was fun as she is almost old enough to enjoy opening presents. Thankfully, her older siblings helped her with opening them and setting up her toys. I think her favorite time of day was Christmas dinner. I think she ate 3 helpings of ham along with roles and sweet potatoes. All the present opening made her a tired girl!
Grandma came for Christmas this year and it was great to watch them interact for the first time in a while. Juliet really enjoys people and loves to watch those around her.

As with every holiday, it was bittersweet. I don't think Christmas hit me as hard last year because Juliet was still in the NICU. This year, having her home and our "whole" family together made it even more obvious that Jacob is still missing.  I hung all of our stocking up with year, Jacob included and I love the way it looks. If only just with our stockings, we are all together. I also started a new tradition in honor our sweet boy. Every year, on Christmas day, I will write Jacob a letter and stick it in his stocking. It will stay there, and as the years pass, I will be able to see what has gone on and how life has changed, while my love for Jacob stays the same. He will always be a part of our lives and especially our holidays. Day by day we keep moving, but we never forget our guardian angel that brought Juliet to us.

Goodbye 2013

As I look back at 2013, I have so many memories come to mind. This was a year of great trials, and great, great accomplishments. I am thrilled when I think back to Juliet coming home this year! Seeing her in her home for the first time, and watching her relationships with her brothers and sister grow is one that every parent loves to see. There were those moments that made me so proud of our girl, and those moments that made me realize she is still struggling.  We had bittersweet moments during her birthday, when we all knew we should be celebrating two birthdays, not one. Those times when she stared so intently at the mirror, and it made me realize that she knows Jacob's missing too. We celebrated her first Thanksgiving and Christmas at home. While so many wonderful things have happened in 2013, I am ready for 2014. I am ready to continue healing from the loss of Jacob. I am ready to continue to fight to help Juliet catch up and live the life God sent her here to live. I am ready for whatever or whoever God puts in our lives this year. We are ready for a great 2014.
I hope you are ready too. Live life to praise God, through all the good, and especially the bad. Show the world the way to a perfect life; one without hurt and pain. Show love to that person you cannot stand, or forgiveness to the one who hurt you the most. Let's make 2014 a year that no one will forget. God Bless You All!!!

Thanksgiving 2013

Thanksgiving 2012

Thanksgiving 2013

As I think about all I have to be thankful for, I am taken back to Thanksgiving 2012. Juliet was 16 days old, and we were learning how to grieve the loss of Jacob. Brett had taken our other kids up to Grandma's house to keep a bit of normalcy for them, while I stayed home and spent most of my waking hours by Juliet's side. It was hard to be thankful when I had said goodbye to Jacob just a few days earlier, but God gave me a wonderful gift on Thanksgiving Day. He made it possible for me to hold my daughter for the first time in her life. She was so tiny her whole body fit above the neck of my shirt. Not only was I allowed to hold her, but she did wonderful! Her oxygen requirements dropped and she rested peacefully on my chest for over an hour! This was just the beginning. This year, I have so much to be thankful for. I still grieve for Jacob and the "what ifs", but Juliet has come so far and we are truly blessed. I am so thankful for her strength, determination, and stubbornness. (I may despise those qualities when I am staring at the teenager, but for now, I love them!) I am thankful for the doctors, nurses and more who have become close friends through this journey. I am thankful for friends who have stood by our side through good and bad. I am thankful for family who loves our Juliet as much as we do. But, most of all, I am thankful for the salvation Jesus as given us. Through this, I know I will see my Jacob again. I know one day, I will be surrounded by all my children together and enjoying time with one another. I pray you all have a blessed day. Remember what God has given us. Thanksgiving is not about the turkey, or the Indians, or the great deals on toys. Be thankful for what you have! And God Bless You!

November 17th

Today is World Prematurity Awareness Day. In honor of all those babies born too early, we are all wearing Purple. Any baby born before 37 weeks gestation is considered premature. Out of my 5 children, technically, 4 of them were premature. My second child, Loralei was born at 36 weeks 6 days gestation, but did not spend any extra time in the hospital. Our third was born at 35 weeks and he spent 10 days in the NICU after he ripped a hole in his lung during his first bath. And of course, our twins born at 25 weeks gestation. While prematurity was a bigger obstacle for Juliet and Jacob, Jackson and Loralei also had to fight it. This is something, that with more awareness, we can bring new technology in to help keep babies inside their mom for longer, as well as help those that have no choice but to come early. We are honored to be the parents of premature babies, but we hope to see a day when it is no longer an issue. Please join us in wearing purple today. For Jackson, and Jacob our angel, and Juliet our miracle baby. And for all those out there who had to fight prematurity!