Goodbye 2013

As I look back at 2013, I have so many memories come to mind. This was a year of great trials, and great, great accomplishments. I am thrilled when I think back to Juliet coming home this year! Seeing her in her home for the first time, and watching her relationships with her brothers and sister grow is one that every parent loves to see. There were those moments that made me so proud of our girl, and those moments that made me realize she is still struggling.  We had bittersweet moments during her birthday, when we all knew we should be celebrating two birthdays, not one. Those times when she stared so intently at the mirror, and it made me realize that she knows Jacob's missing too. We celebrated her first Thanksgiving and Christmas at home. While so many wonderful things have happened in 2013, I am ready for 2014. I am ready to continue healing from the loss of Jacob. I am ready to continue to fight to help Juliet catch up and live the life God sent her here to live. I am ready for whatever or whoever God puts in our lives this year. We are ready for a great 2014.
I hope you are ready too. Live life to praise God, through all the good, and especially the bad. Show the world the way to a perfect life; one without hurt and pain. Show love to that person you cannot stand, or forgiveness to the one who hurt you the most. Let's make 2014 a year that no one will forget. God Bless You All!!!

Thanksgiving 2013

Thanksgiving 2012

Thanksgiving 2013

As I think about all I have to be thankful for, I am taken back to Thanksgiving 2012. Juliet was 16 days old, and we were learning how to grieve the loss of Jacob. Brett had taken our other kids up to Grandma's house to keep a bit of normalcy for them, while I stayed home and spent most of my waking hours by Juliet's side. It was hard to be thankful when I had said goodbye to Jacob just a few days earlier, but God gave me a wonderful gift on Thanksgiving Day. He made it possible for me to hold my daughter for the first time in her life. She was so tiny her whole body fit above the neck of my shirt. Not only was I allowed to hold her, but she did wonderful! Her oxygen requirements dropped and she rested peacefully on my chest for over an hour! This was just the beginning. This year, I have so much to be thankful for. I still grieve for Jacob and the "what ifs", but Juliet has come so far and we are truly blessed. I am so thankful for her strength, determination, and stubbornness. (I may despise those qualities when I am staring at the teenager, but for now, I love them!) I am thankful for the doctors, nurses and more who have become close friends through this journey. I am thankful for friends who have stood by our side through good and bad. I am thankful for family who loves our Juliet as much as we do. But, most of all, I am thankful for the salvation Jesus as given us. Through this, I know I will see my Jacob again. I know one day, I will be surrounded by all my children together and enjoying time with one another. I pray you all have a blessed day. Remember what God has given us. Thanksgiving is not about the turkey, or the Indians, or the great deals on toys. Be thankful for what you have! And God Bless You!

November 17th

Today is World Prematurity Awareness Day. In honor of all those babies born too early, we are all wearing Purple. Any baby born before 37 weeks gestation is considered premature. Out of my 5 children, technically, 4 of them were premature. My second child, Loralei was born at 36 weeks 6 days gestation, but did not spend any extra time in the hospital. Our third was born at 35 weeks and he spent 10 days in the NICU after he ripped a hole in his lung during his first bath. And of course, our twins born at 25 weeks gestation. While prematurity was a bigger obstacle for Juliet and Jacob, Jackson and Loralei also had to fight it. This is something, that with more awareness, we can bring new technology in to help keep babies inside their mom for longer, as well as help those that have no choice but to come early. We are honored to be the parents of premature babies, but we hope to see a day when it is no longer an issue. Please join us in wearing purple today. For Jackson, and Jacob our angel, and Juliet our miracle baby. And for all those out there who had to fight prematurity!

Letter to my Angel

Jacob,
Today is the first day I saw you. I loved you from the moment I knew you existed. And I love you more and more every day. As I think back to this day a year ago, I cannot help but feel like I failed you. I tried so hard to keep you in my arms, but it was not in God's plans. I know God is good, and his plans are to give me a hope and a future. I look back at today and love today. It was  wonderful day. You were doing well, you were even making small improvements. I love today, because it was a day with you.You were mine, and you were here. It was your birthday. So today, we celebrate your birthday. We smile, we laugh, we remember. No matter how short of a time it was, it was time with you. I will cherish every moment I had with you, and always wish for more. I wonder what you would be like today. What would you like; who would you look like? So many things run through my head today. I smile because I love you, but behind that smile, my heart is broken. I miss you baby boy. I miss you kicking me, I miss your face, your tiny hands. I miss that feeling of you in my arms. But I know you are celebrating today. You are enjoying your birthday with an amazing group of friends, family and other tiny angels. I look forward to celebrating with you one day. Enjoy your birthday baby!
I love you with all my heart my son,
Mommy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKBhAG2SNKE

To My Daughter, On Her First Birthday

As I sit here tonight, I am going over this day, last year. It started out as wonderful day. It was my first chance out of my hospital room and I loved seeing my husband every day for lunch. That all changed so quickly, I sometimes forget the details. I remember them all today. They are burned in my memory, and they will always be there when I need them. The one that I remember most of all, though, is seeing the look in your father's eyes when I saw him for the first time after your delivery. I had been awake for a few minutes and no would tell me if you were alive. Your dad walked in, with nothing but pure excitement in his eyes. He was in love. He told me how well you were doing and how perfect you were. He showed me a picture of you, the only one I have of you from your birthday. You were beautiful. You were perfect. But your beauty has grown and grown in this past year. You have shown me what it means to be faithful. How to be strong when I didn't think I could; how to surrender when I don't want to; and how to love like I have never loved before. You taught me that not all birth stories are the way we want them, but they are all perfect. You have shown me its ok to smile again. You have made me laugh when I didn't think I could, and you have proven to me, no matter what they say, the doctors don't know everything. God can do anything he want to do, whether or not it makes sense. Juliet, you are an amazing child of God. Don't ever forget that. God has big plans for you. You have come so far this past year. You have blow doctors away with your progress and your health. I cannot count the number of times I have been told that "this just doesn't happen" from a doctor about how well you are improving. I cannot help but smile. We know it "just doesn't happen". God did this. He brought you to us, perfect in every way. I was asked tonight what my 3 favorite things about you are. My first answer was your smile. It has helped me heal so much, seeing the joy you have. It is all worth it to see you smile every day. But its not just your smile, but your personality. You are a happy child. You know how to enjoy life. My prayer for you is that you never forget that. The one thing I didn't say, because I didn't think I could voice it, was I love your story. I love to tell others about you and your brother, and how God has actively been working in our life since the day you were conceived. Don't ever forget who you are my child. A wonderful creation of a loving God, who felt this world needed a light like you to shine for him. Blessed are you my child, for you have an amazing Heavenly Father who loves you more than you will ever know. We are blessed to be called your parents and we love you more than you will ever know. I look forward to many more years and birthdays. I know they will always be a reminder of what God can do in our lives if we surrender to him. Shine brightly for Him, Juliet.

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween from our little Pumpkin!  I will admit this is a bittersweet day for me. This is Juliet's last First Holiday! This time last year, I was waiting patiently for my older three to come up and go trick or treating at the hospital! (They came up and handed out candy to all the nurses stations). Little did we know, we would be welcome Jacob and Juliet into this world just 6 short days later. Hope you all have a wonderful Halloween and stay safe!

October 15th

Most people know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. But what most don't know, is it is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month too. Statistics show that one in four pregnancy end in loss. I am one of those 4, 7 times over. We have lost 6 children to miscarriage over the years. We have also lost our Jacob. There is no pain like that of losing your child. This is such a taboo subject, but that needs to change. Mothers need to talk about their children: ALL of them! Women need to be aware that, unfortunately, this is very common. They need to know they are not alone. If we cared as much about these infants as we did about boobies, we would be able to save so many lives. Don't get me wrong, I am all for supporting breast cancer and those who are fighting it. But a big part of women's health is mental. What about all the women who are secretly suffering the lose of a child and feel like they are alone. We need to get these subject out there, so people feel comfortable expressing their pain. I will never not mention Jacob. He will never be forgotten, and if it makes someone else uncomfortable, shame on them! Mamas, talk about your babies. Don't let society make you feel like you cannot mention the life, no matter how short it was, of your sweet little angel.
October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, where we are asked to light a candle at 7pm, local time, and keep it burning for one hour. As each time zone does this, we create a wave of Light around the World, to honor all those gone to soon. This year, I sat down with my children, and explained to them why we were lighting a candle for Jacob. We talked about what it would be like to have him here, and what we thought he was doing up in Heaven. We talked about what we missed, and what we wished would have been reality. I know right now, my children may not understand it, but I want them to know their brother, and know how much we loved him. We will light a candle for Jacob and all the other babies every year on October 15th, and I ask that next October, don't forget the babies, when everyone else is focused on the boobies!

Friends Forever

Through this trial, I have made some wonderful friends who are so supportive. For Juliet's first Birthday, a few of them sent her a onesie that reads "My Twin Brother SAVED My Life", with matching socks. It is adorable and a wonderful way to remember Jacob, and what he did. I will be forever thankful to my amazing son who brought me his sister. I am also so thankful for the wonderful, strong, Christian women God has placed in my life through this trial. I pray one day to meet in person and get our miracle babies together!

No More Meds!!

YAY! Juliet is officially off all medication for her re-flux! We were told she would grow out of it, but we didn't expect that until well after her 1st birthday! So excited to be done with one more doctor visit and one less thing we have to monitor.

Eleven Months and Counting

Eleven Months!!! AHHHH!! We have had a great month with lots going on. Juliet has made some huge improvements this month in every aspect of her development. She has started talking more and more. Juliet loves to blow raspberries and say "oooo". She will say baba and dada too. She has been working hard on her crawling with Kelli, and we are almost there. Just working on getting her core stronger. She is also able to pull up and stand if she has something to hold onto.
Juliet has had 3 teeth break through this month as well! She has been eating like a piggy and loves her food! She is up to eating cheerios, gold fish, and her favorite is baked beans. She is so cute. She will sit and pound on her hands on her table when she wants more. (she is going to be trouble as she gets older!) She is sitting on her own and loves to play with her toys. Although, her favorite toy is the dogs ball. She will crawl over and steal it from him and he just sits and watches, throwing me a few glancing making sure I know she took it from him. We have such an awesome dog! haha. Juliet loves to swing, bounce, and really move any way she can! Juliet is doing amazing and we are so blessed. We are looking forward to celebrated Jacob's and Julie'ts first birthday in a few days. What a year it has been for our family. We are so blessed and love every moment we have with our babies.

NICU Reunion

Tara and Juliet

Today we were allowed out of the house for a few hours to attend Juliet's NICU Reunion. We had a wonderful time catching up with nurses, therapists, doctors and friends! We got to see our corner-mates. They were there with us most of our stay and we all became good friends. We got to see Juliet and Jacob's nurses again and show off how well our little Peanut is doing. She smiled for everyone and was happy to see them. It was a day filled with so much joy! I look forward to seeing them all again.
You don't think the people you come into contact with in a place like that would be such strong figures in your life. But for me, I couldn't imagine life without them in it. Even if I only see them once a year (which is NOT enough), I know they will be there. They will be there to answer questions, or encourage or support Juliet in everything she does. They have invested into her and love to see her succeed in whatever she chooses to do. Thank you all for being so wonderful to us! It was a wonderful day and we look forward to next year!

Amy and Juliet

Gladys and Juliet

The Corner Crew

Tahra, Speech therapist, and Lisa, PT with Juliet

Outfit Nana Made Juliet for the Reunion

Happy Neonatal Nurses Day

Today is Neonatal Nurses Day. I am honored to know some, and be able to call them friends, and well, family. It amazes me what they do every day. They save lives every day. They comfort parents. They take on the role of mother, nurse, doctor, and friend. They care for these babies around the clock. They have to walk that line between professional, and friend. (which frankly, most fail at, in a good way of course). They feed, change, hold, comfort, and love these babies when mom and dad cannot be there. I have seen them cry with us when Juliet took steps back, and rejoice when she took steps forward. I have been comforted by them when we said goodbye to Jacob, and I have seen the impact he had on them.

But then, they say goodbye, and sometimes never see these babies again. They have to hand over a child they have cared for, for sometimes months, and trust that mom and dad will take care of them.
It must be the hardest, sometimes most painful job there is out there. But it must also be rewarding. To see these babies grow, and improve every day. To be able to look back and see how many lives they have changed. They have changed our life. I will never think of Juliet's days in the NICU, without thinking of all the smiling faces I passed when I walked through there. I will always remember the peace I felt leaving my daughter with them, and I know they will always be there to cheer her on in everything she does. They will be some of her biggest supporters through life, and I am so grateful for them. They are family.
So, If you see a Neonatal nurse today, or any day for that matter, give them a hug and a Thank You. They are true heros, and I know our life would be forever different if they were not there every day.

Jacob's Bear

 We are so excited that Jacob's Molly Bear arrived! Molly Bears were created by a women, who lost her daughter Molly a few years ago. The mothers friend sent her a bear that weighed 3 lbs, but Molly weighed a little over 4 pounds. The mother so desperately wanted a bear that was the same weight as their daughter, so went to the store and filled the bear until it weighed exactly what Molly weighted. Now, she makes bears for other grieving parents to match the weight of their angle. Molly Bears is run off donations and only a parent can order the bear. However, anyone can donate. When I signed up in March, I was told the wait time was 16-20 months until I would get my Jacob bear. To my surprise, it showed up last week and is absolutely perfect. He weights exactly as Jacob did, and it brought back that feeling of holding my son for the first and last time. They put elephant buttons, a blue ribbon, and a pink heart to honor Juliet. I cannot tell you how nice it is to hug him when I am missing Jacob so badly. Juliet loves the bear too and has been fascinated with him. While I let the kids give Jacob Bear a hug, he sits on Jacob's shelf, next to his urn. It brings a smile to heart and tears to my eyes. I feel very blessed to be given a bear, made by another angel mommy. THANK YOU MOLLY BEARS!!
If you would like to donate to Molly Bears, please go check out their website to learn more and learn how to bring a healing bear to a grieving mommy.
www.mollybears.com

10 Months Old Already?!?!?!?!

I cannot believe Juliet is 10 months old! She has come so far! Our little 1 pounder is really thriving and enjoying life! She is improving every day and we are so thrilled with her daily progress. We look forward to what 10 months brings. She is on the cusp of crawling, almost sitting and if she had it her way she would be standing all day! I know this month will be a big one for her, I can feel it!
This month is also a busy month. Her older brother started back to school and we are running more and more. We are also looking forward to our first NICU reunion! I cannot wait to show our girl off to the family we made while at St. David's. It will be exciting to get her back with all her friends as well as see the nurses and doctors again!

We are also preparing for lock down again. While Juliet is doing wonderful and she is healthy, she is still at a high risk as far as illnesses go. So, starting mid September, we will be house bound with our little peanut. She will no longer be allowed to be in public, until RSV season is over in March 2014. Yes, I know that is 6 months. While I am not looking forward to being stuck in our house for that long, the alternative is something I cannot think without tearing up. Our Juliet cannot get sick. I am not going to let my discomfort allow her to get sick and put back into the hospital. So, we will be home, A LOT!!! We will be washing hands, changing clothes, and most likely wearing surgical masks around her. But it is all worth it to get through this RSV season healthy. And this is the last time. Next year, her lungs will be strong enough to handle an infection if she were to get one. So we can do it. One last time.

We Have Come So Far

For Juliet's first birthday, I decided I was going to finish her scrapbook. I started a scrapbook for each of the them when I found out I was having twins. I have one page in it and that is the announcement that we were pregnant. I have not been able to bring myself to look at those books since my water broke with Jacob over a year ago. While it is hard to go through it all again, when the pain is still so strong, I need to do this. I need to finish this book for Juliet and for myself. I need to get the scary and sad parts done, so I can have fun doing all the pages of pictures of her now. I want to write it all down before I forget what it was like to be in the NICU for 119 days. But, thinking back over all she has been through, I cannot help but realize how much God did for us. She escaped the NICU  with no brain bleeds, no lasting affects of the NICU and just two medications!!! God protected her every step of the way, and I am truly grateful. But, she still struggled a lot. I remember when she almost flat lined and they had to bag her for a few minutes. I remember all the wires she was hooked up to and every monitor constantly keeping track of her every move. I think back and I don't know what I would do without all the nurses and doctors that took care of her. I am tearing up now just thinking about what they all mean to me. I will be forever grateful to each and every one of them. They will always be a part of our family. I remember how small she was when I saw her for the first time. It amazes me that she has come so far in just 9 months. I look forward to finishing up her book, and being able to put that past behind us, as we look forward to what God will bring into our lives next.

 5 days old

9 months old

9 months and Counting

I cannot believe our little Peanut is 9 months old already!!! Time has been going way to fast at the Phillips's house! So, it has been a while since I last updated you all. So here are the statistics of our Juliet.
Weight: 16lbs 8oz
Length: 27 inches
Diaper size: 3
Size Clothes: 6-9 months
Ounces a day: Between 35-40

Our girl is getting so big and developing great. She is now sitting on her own and on 8/11 she began army crawling. Now she can go anywhere! While I am super proud of her, I am not really ready for this stage! I found it is much harder when you have 3 older children who love to leave their itty bitty toys all over the floor. She is so proud of herself whenever she gets to the toy she is after. It melts my heart to see the joy in her eyes. She is still getting PT twice a week, but it is obviously working, so we will continue it until she is caught up to her actual age.
She had her 6 month evaluation this week and excelled at everything. She is between 7-9 months in all her development.This is huge as they did not expect her to start catching up until she passed the one year mark. The doctors are shocked by her progress and thrilled to see her doing so well. It just goes to prove that not every 25 weeker is going to have all the complications the doctors expect. With  God on our side, we knew she would be okay, and she is doing wonderful. We cannot thank those enough who have kept her in your prayers. You are all a part of this and we are excited to share our joy with you!

She is still eating her baby food and still loves it! She is now up to eating, carrots, sweet potatoes, green beans, bananas, oatmeal, and we are about to start apples. This girl LOVES her food!

She is still that happy baby she was from day one. She enjoys life and is always entertained by her siblings and the dogs. She will smile at just about everyone but she defiantly loves her big brothers. It is bittersweet. I know she would have loved having Jacob here to play with, and it breaks my heart to see the love for her two older brothers, knowing Jacob should be a part of that too.

All in all, she is doing wonderful and we love to watch her grow!

Nine Months of Missing You

Wow, 9 months. That is 31.9 weeks. 274 days. 6,574 hours. 394,462 minutes. 23,670,000 seconds. 9 months of miss you Sweet Jacob. Not a single one of those seconds go by without you on my mind. I was hoping by now, the raw pain would be less and those memories of you would begin to be ones I smiled at instead of cried. But they are not. I still cry when I think of you. When someone asks me "How are you really doing?", I still have tears escape. I don't know when it will get easier. I don't know if it will EVER get easier. I miss you and I always will. I know God's plans are to bring me hope and a future, and not to harm me, but I don't know how. I don't know what will make the pain seem worth it, or what could possible be "good enough" for me to understand why you had to leave. And maybe I never will. I may never understand it. But I hope I can move on. I want to be happy again. I want to find joy in life, and not have the underlying pain I have today. I want to feel the way I did when you were growing inside me. When you were beating all the odds and I had hope for your future. I want that back. But I realize it will never come. So I take one day at a time. I keep moving forward, because there is nothing else I can do.

 

Seeing Our Nurses

After Juliet's appointment last month, I took her up to see a few of the nurses at the NICU. We miss them every day and are so thankful for everything they did. It was great to see them all again and we look forward to meeting up for the NICU Reunion in a few months!

Hurray for Baby Food!!

Juliet has officially started baby food as of July 19th. The first feeding when great! She was excited to try it and loved the food! She took about 1/2 ounce of baby food, but we had to stop because her back muscles started to get tired. As she builds strength, she will eat more, but I am thrilled she did such a great job the first time. Like everything else with micro-preemies, we have to start off very slow.

The 4th of July

For Juliet's first 4th of July, we spent the day at home, playing in the back yard and enjoying some good food!! Juliet "loved" her hair bows! What a great way to celebrate our Independence. Thank you to all those who have served, are serving, and those who watched their loved ones leave. Freedom is not free, and we thank you for all you have done to help keep America free. God Bless You All!