What Now?

I said goodbye to my son and wanted nothing more than to go crawl in a hole and cry. But, I still had a child fighting in the NICU. And she needed Mommy and Daddy. She needed to hear our voice: to know we are here for her. This is a road I have no clue how to navigate. I am emotional gone. I am trying to mourn the death of a child while trying to keep another one here, while still trying to recover from a cesarean section that was pure hell. I am questioning whether taking them when we did was the right decision. Would it have been better for Juliet to let Jacob pass to give her more time? My mind is full of what if's that will never be answered. I pass Jacob's incubator every time I go to see Juliet. She will always be known as "baby B" in the NICU, which just adds salt to the freshly left wound. There is no escaping the fact that I no longer have the two children I fought for so hard. I cannot avoid it. I am filling out birth certificates for my two babies, while Brett is filling out the death certificate. I cannot remember much of those first days, but I so desperately want to remember every memory I have of Jacob, because I know I will never get any more. I try to focus my attention on Juliet. After all, she is all I have left at this point. Our goals change. Our mission changes. We are now so determined to get Juliet home and doing everything we can to help her grow and heal. We pray a lot, which to be honest, was not the easiest thing to do after just losing a child. We will have one more day just for Jacob. His memorial service will be November 11, 2012.

The First 24 Hours

Jacob Bradley Phillips was born first at 1:18pm. He was 1lb 11oz, 12 inches long. Juliet Marie Phillips was born at 1:19pm. She weighted 1lb 13oz, 13 inches long. They were both taken to the NICU immediately and put on the high frequency oscillating vent, which breathed for them. Both the babies were stable when I saw them for the first time at 4pm. Unfortunately, that did not last. They both had premature lungs and need medication along with the vent to help the lungs stay open. Juliet began to slowly improve while Jacob was just barely hanging on. Things only got harder for Jacob as time went on. After 12 hours of life, he ripped a hole in his lung and it collapsed completely, even with the help of the vent. His oxygen saturation was dropping slowly. We were beginning to get into the range of brain damage from the lack of oxygen. Then, at 30 hours old, we were told he had a level 4 brain bleed. This is the worst kind and almost certain life long brain damage. His body started to shut itself down. At this point, Brett and I had to make a choice. We could keep him alive, but there was no chance he would ever come off the vent, or we could pull him off now, and get the chance to hold our baby boy before he left this world. As hard of a choice as it was to make, Brett and I knew what we had to do. Thursday November 8th, we watched as the nurse and doctor slowly unhooked our precious baby boy from the vent, and I held my son for the first time. He was so prefect laying in my arms. He was made to fit in my arms. He never took another breath. Brett and I got to hold our baby for the first and last time. Our pastor came and said a prayer with us as we held the body of our son who had already left this world. I kissed my son on the forehead, and said goodbye.

The Birth Story No One Wants....

Like I said before, it you get sick to your stomach easily, I would suggest not reading this post. This was not a pretty situation and not something anyone wants to go through. Even now, two weeks later I am still stunned it happened. So here we go: After using the bathroom, I was walking back to my bed when I felt something odd. I reached down and realized there was something hanging out of me. I immediately knew what it meant: Jacob's cord had prolapsed. For those of you who don't know, this means his umbilical cord fell out of my uterus. This is an extreme emergency, as the cord can then get kinked and the blood flow and oxygen can no longer reach the baby. Many times in this situation, the baby has already passed by the time anyone realizes there is a problem. Thankfully, my nurse was wonderful and got me moving down to the operation room ASAP. The doctor was ready and we had a huge team ready for these babies. We found a heartbeat for Jacob and knew we had to act quickly. The doctor realized the likelihood of Jacob surviving until the doctor could get him out was very slim and made a decision to keep Jacob alive. This meant that the nurse had to hold his head off the umbilical cord. Thankfully, my closed cervix from the day before had dilated all the way to a ten and we big enough for the nurse to put her hand through. So, she grabbed the cord, and pushed it all back in until she was holding his head up inside my uterus. I hear the doctor tell the nurse to keep her fingers back when he cuts so he does not hit her. She was told to hold onto him until the doctor took him out of her hands. The doctor was ready, but my medicine had not knocked me out yet. Looking at him, I told him "to get the babies the hell out". He realized I did not care about the pain, only my children surviving. He then made the choice to begin the c-section without the medication in full effect for me. I remember the sound of Jacob leaving the room moments later. The next thing I know is I am waking up in recovery. The pain was like nothing I had felt before. Unlike a normal c section, the spinal slowly wears off with the help of other pain medication. With me, I went from being knocked out, to waking up with no pain medication. But worse then that, no one would tell me how my babies were doing. If they were still alive even.

November 6th, 2012

Tuesday started off normal. The babies looked great on the monitors, and Brett came and took me for a wheelchair ride after lunch. It was the first time I had been out of my room since being admitted. I woke up that day with a headache, but no one seemed worried so I just ignored it. After lunch I was getting ready for a nap to help my headache go away when everything changed. If you get sick to your stomach easily, I would suggest skipping the next entry. Just know that the twins were born at 25 weeks and 4 days gestation. For those of you who want more details, get ready:

Hospital Bed Rest

On October 26th, 2012, at 24 weeks gestation, I was admitted at St. David's Hospital in Austin TX, for the long haul. My doctor and I were planning a very uneventful and boring hospital stay. The first few days were not that at all. I was given steroid shots to help mature the babies lungs, and two different antibiotics. Unfortunately, I was allergic to one antibiotic, and it ended up burning my arm. I had a major bleed, which is common with pPROM, but still very scary as it can be a sign of a placental abruption. Thankfully, it quickly stopped and things slowed down. The first week was uneventful after that and I slowly got into a routine. We made it to 265weeks and things were looking great. I have ultrasounds twice a week, and the babies seemed very happy in there. On Monday, November 5th, we had an ultrasound that looked wonderful. Baby Jacob had more fluid, was growing well, and there was not a single placental abruption. My cervix was closed and we had no contractions. It looked like another uneventful week was on it's way.

What is it exactly?

My water broke on August 1, 2012. I was 12 weeks pregnant. This is called Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes, or pPROM. This happens more often then you would think, but very rarely does it happen this early. The statistics are very bad, but also very limited. Most doctors encourage moms to terminate since the fetus has such a low chance of developing correctly. We were not able, nor would we ever terminate since this was a twin pregnancy. Twin A was rupture, and we were told that baby would have less then a 1% chance of survival. Twin B was also at risk. With the water ruptured, I could get an infection within hours and we would have to deliver to keep me from going septic. Twin B only had a 5% chance of survival. 80% of babies pass in the first 72 hours of pPROM, another 10% within the first 8 days, and the other 9+% at some point after that. Even if twin A could hold on until viability,(24 weeks gestation) the chances of survival were next to nothing since he would not be developed. The amniotic fluid does many things for the baby. It keeps pressure off of them so they can form their bones correctly. The baby swallows the fluid and gets the digestive system prepped and ready for food. It also is inhaled and exhaled to help strengthen the lungs and helps the tiny air sacks in the lungs to form. If there is not enough fluid, the lungs cannot form correctly, and the baby is not able to breath once they are born. The lungs are the biggest concern with pPROM. We were lucky to make it past the first 72 hours, then the first 8 days, and many more weeks after that. We never got much fluid back, but both babies looked good at every ultrasound. Twin A was a boy, and we named him Jacob Bradley. Twin B was a girl and we named her Juliet Marie. They were growing and thriving every week, and we began to breath a sigh of relief, as we made it closer, then past 24 weeks.

August 1, 2012

Everyone has dates that they will never forget. Some are good, some are bad. Everyone remembers where they were on September 11, 2001. I have many dates I will always remember. My first date with my husband. Our wedding day. Our children's birthdays. The day of my moms accident. The day my father-in-law passed away... And now August 1, 2012. It was a Wednesday. It was the day my water broke. I was 12 weeks pregnant.

What am I going to do with TWINS???

After seeing those two heartbeats, everything changed in a second. My brain went into overdrive. What do I need? How am I going to take care of two newborns? Am I going to be able to nurse them? What is this going to cost? ... The questions went on and on, every second of every day. As I slowly realize this is God's plan, I begin to get excited about the thought of twins. We share the news with just our parents, as we have lost a few babies before to miscarriage. This does not last long, as I quickly begin to show. My pregnancy continues to go on with many symptoms. (everyone tries to make me feel better by telling me that is a good sign). By the way, nothing helps you feel better when you have your face in a toilet every day. Finally at 11 weeks, we get another ultrasound. We discover we have fraternal twins, and they are both doing amazing! They each have their own placenta and amniotic sack. This is the safest type of twin pregnancy there is. My morning sickness is going away, and we officially announce to our friends and extended family we are expecting twins. We set up an appointment to see a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor (MFM) due to this pregnancy being high risk. Any twin pregnancy is high risk. I will admit, I was scared to death of having twins at first, but after seeing those two heartbeats, I cannot imagine our life without both precious babies in it.

Where to begin...

Let me begin by introducing myself and my family. My husband Brett and I met my freshman year in high school during track season. He was a Junior and our first date was Prom. We soon began dating and have been together ever since. We are high school sweethearts and would not have it any other way! We got married right after I graduated high school in 2007 and moved to Waco TX where Brett was going to Baylor University to get his degree in computer science. After he graduated, we moved to Leander, TX where we currently live. We have three beautiful children right now. Our oldest Luke just turned 6, our Princess Loralei will be 3 in March, and our little tank Jackson is now 15 months. We just celebrated our 5th year wedding anniversary, and what better way to celebrate.. then to have another baby!! After a long time in prayer over whether or not we would expand our family, God answer our prayers with a positive pregnancy test! Our first appointment was June 29, 2012. As we sat there excited to see the little heart flutter on the ultrasound, we heard the technician say "oh" and we both knew immediately what that meant. Twins... Not only was there one heartbeat flickering on the monitor; there were two. Two strong, beautiful heartbeats. This is the beginning of what will be the hardest, saddest, most wonderful and faith building experience in our lives. I look forward to sharing our story, to sharing the love and faithfulness God has shown us through this process. I will be slowing adding more, as I cannot do it all at once, for my own sanity. I look forward to shedding a little light on our path and our story and sharing this experience with you!