Merry Christmas From the NICU. We got to spend some Mommy/daughter time last night with a warm bath, new Christmas pajamas, and a few photos. I was even able to wish her her first Merry Christmas right at midnight! Hope you are all realizing how blessed we truly are by our wonderful Savior. May you enjoy the end of 2012, and may God bring you an abundant of blessings in 2013!

We hit another huge milestone!

Three pounds!! Juliet is now just over three pounds. This may seem like an odd thing to be excited about, since that is still smaller than anyone would want their child to weigh. But for those of us who have seen a baby that weighted a little over a pound, this is a huge step. Every ounce she gains means her body is developing more. Her lungs are growing and able to support her body better. Her heart is able to pump more blood through those veins, that are now just a hair bigger. Her brain is growing and maturing. Her organs are working correctly and maturing and growing to sustain her. Every ounce is a big step for her and we are so ecstatic that she is continuing to improve.

For the first time, she smiled at me when she heard my voice. There is no greater joy in a mother's heart, than realizing that your child knows you. Even though I cannot be there all the time to sooth her crying, or change her diaper, she does know who I am. She knows I fought so hard to give her the best chance at life. She knows how much I love her. And she finds true joy in having me near her. Only God could give me a moment like that today, and it was exactly what I needed. God is Good! He is here, watching over my baby girl, and I rest peacefully knowing He is protecting her every second of every day.

Juliet Marie Phillips

Brett and I would like to formally introduce you to Juliet Marie Phillips. It has taken us a while to get to this point, but we are now ready to share a picture of our little peanut with you. This picture was taken on December 13, 2012. She is 5 weeks old and weighs 2 lbs 14oz at the time! Hope you enjoy! p.s. that is my hand on top her head to give an indication of size.- Brett and Shelly

More to Preemies than Size

Size is always a side effect of being born early, but size is not the only issue with preemies. So many people think a preemie is just a smaller newborn, but that is far from the case. There is a reason women are suppose to be pregnant for 40 weeks, and it really has little to do with the actual size of the baby. They are truly not developed yet. Sometimes, the bowels have not connected, so they cannot digest. Their heart is still working as if it was in utero, so it has extra valves that cannot close on their own because the muscles around them are too weak. The biggest thing that still needs to develop is the brain. After talking to Juliet's nurse, she gave me some disturbing facts about the brain. When thinking of a human brain, we usually see it as pink, with lots of bumps and crevasses all over. The brain of a 25 weeker however is smooth, like a shaved pear and white. This means all those connections that should be on the brain are not developed yet. This means the brain forgets to tell the baby to inhale or exhale. It forgets to keep the heart beating, or the body moving. They do not have to coordination to suck, swallow and breath in the right order. They forget to breath. These babies are not just small. They are so under developed, without the intervention of machines and nurses that watch these babies like a hawk, there is no way they would be able to survive. There is no such thing as a healthy 25 weeker. We are asking the body to do things it was never intended to do at this point, plus now it needs to develop in an environment that is not ideal for proper development. Juliet is doing wonderful, but she is not "just a tiny newborn". She is a very sick, struggling baby to just get the basic life sustaining functions down. And it will take time. But with God's grace and strength she will continue to improve every day and one day soon we will get the joy of brining her home for the first time.

"What does a one pound baby look like?"

People keep asking me "what does a 1 pound baby look like?" While it is something no one will understand unless they have seen one, I will try and put it in perspective. If you can put all these things together, hopefully, you can have a better picture of what our little peanut looks like, or at least her size. First off, realize that all preemies have 'a look' that is associated with being premature. Their head is too big for their body, their eyes too big for their face, and everything else so tiny it looks like you could break it if you squeezed too hard. I am not a very big person. I am about 5'8" and roughly 125 pounds. My hands are not huge, so keep that in mind as most of these comparisons are based off my hand size. So, how big is she? The best way to describe her head is roughly the size of a racket ball. For those of you how don't know how big that is, it's between a golf ball and a baseball. Her body (neck to bottom) fits in the palm of my hand. Her forearm is the same length and width of my pinkie finger. Her palm is smaller than my finger print, and her whole hand cannot wrap but half way around my ring finger. My wedding band is more like a bracelet for her and my diamond stud earrings are bigger than her whole ear. Her diaper is the size of a credit card, and still too big might I add. Her calf is the size of my thumb and her toes are a little wider than a toothpick. When I hold her on my chest, her whole body is above my bra. She is shorter from head to toe than my forearm. And just for laughs, Juliet weighed less than our German Shepherd puppies we breed were at birth, as they all weighed in at over 2 pounds.

Made it off CPAP

Hurray! Our little cupcake is moving right along. Today she made the jump from CPAP to high flow nasal cannula. This is less breathing support than CPAP and much less head gear. We can now see her face and head, and she has a head full of dark hair! She is also putting on the grams. Juliet is now 2lbs 10oz! Looks like the protein is doing its job.

The First Month

I cannot believe it has been a month since we welcomed Jacob and Juliet into this world and into our family. What a month it has been!! The pain is still as strong as it was the day God called Jacob home, but the memories are becoming stronger and I cherish each one of them more and more every day. Juliet has made some amazing progress and we look forward to the day God will allow us to finally bring her home. What has she been doing you ask? She has been on four different machines to help her breath. The first two took breaths for her, the third helped remind her to breath on her own, and the forth helped keep her lungs open so they would not collapse. She has had two rounds of medication to shrink a large PDA to a small PDA, which is an artery in the heart that is needed during pregnancy, but is suppose to close during the birthing process. She behaved and helped it shrink enough to avoid heart surgery at this moment. She gets weekly shots to help her tiny body produce more blood cells. She is on iron, caffeine, extra protein in her breast milk and sodium. She gets blood taken twice a week, has had a couple blood transfusions, and heal sticks galore! She has had almost as many ultrasounds as me, and has beaten me on number of x rays in a lifetime. She started on 50 percent oxygen and is now down to 25 percent. She can now open her eyes and will look for Mommy and Daddy if she hears us. She will snuggle in tight to mom and dad when we get the chance to Kangaroo care her. She has a mind of her own and always needs one leg sticking out of her little swaddle. She has been a love bug to her many nurses and has a couple she prefers. She is growing! My little 1lb 13 oz, 13 inches long baby is now a good 2lbs 7oz and almost 15inches! She is blowing the doctors away with her progress and is truly our miracle baby! She is proving that statistics are not always right, and babies even this young deserve a chance to fight! She has good days, and bad days, as any 25 weeker will. But she is thriving, and only by God's sweet grace am I able to hold my precious daughter every day. She has an amazing Guardian Angel watching out for her too. I look forward to more wonderful updates and being able to share our little princess with anyone who will listen! God is Good! Happy One Month Birthday my Sweet Jacob and Juliet!

It is All in God's Plan

On November 9th, I am discharged from the hospital. This is the second time I will be coming home from giving birth without my baby in the back seat, as our third child was also a NICU baby. I will admit, it was easier this time. I know it will be a while before she comes home with me, but I am determined she will be coming home, just has her big brother Jackson did. Before I leave, the doctor gives me one more piece of information he feels I should know. I am questioning as to whether taking them both was the right decision and he makes sure I realize it was the "best decision he has ever made", and "truly a God thing." While we delivered in order to save Jacob's life, we ended up saving Juliet. It turns out that she had an abruption of the placenta, which means she was no longer getting blood, air or nutrients at all. It was amazing she was still alive at all, as she should have already been dead. Usually with a placental abruption, there is horrible pain and blood loss, neither of which I experienced. I did have a headache all morning, which could have been linked to the blood loss. No matter what, the timing of these two entering the world was God's timing. It also has given me a sense of peace knowing that Jacob's purpose in this life was to bring his sister to us, at the best time for her. He was never meant to stay here long, and I am thankful that he is now back with our Heavenly Father.

What Now?

I said goodbye to my son and wanted nothing more than to go crawl in a hole and cry. But, I still had a child fighting in the NICU. And she needed Mommy and Daddy. She needed to hear our voice: to know we are here for her. This is a road I have no clue how to navigate. I am emotional gone. I am trying to mourn the death of a child while trying to keep another one here, while still trying to recover from a cesarean section that was pure hell. I am questioning whether taking them when we did was the right decision. Would it have been better for Juliet to let Jacob pass to give her more time? My mind is full of what if's that will never be answered. I pass Jacob's incubator every time I go to see Juliet. She will always be known as "baby B" in the NICU, which just adds salt to the freshly left wound. There is no escaping the fact that I no longer have the two children I fought for so hard. I cannot avoid it. I am filling out birth certificates for my two babies, while Brett is filling out the death certificate. I cannot remember much of those first days, but I so desperately want to remember every memory I have of Jacob, because I know I will never get any more. I try to focus my attention on Juliet. After all, she is all I have left at this point. Our goals change. Our mission changes. We are now so determined to get Juliet home and doing everything we can to help her grow and heal. We pray a lot, which to be honest, was not the easiest thing to do after just losing a child. We will have one more day just for Jacob. His memorial service will be November 11, 2012.

The First 24 Hours

Jacob Bradley Phillips was born first at 1:18pm. He was 1lb 11oz, 12 inches long. Juliet Marie Phillips was born at 1:19pm. She weighted 1lb 13oz, 13 inches long. They were both taken to the NICU immediately and put on the high frequency oscillating vent, which breathed for them. Both the babies were stable when I saw them for the first time at 4pm. Unfortunately, that did not last. They both had premature lungs and need medication along with the vent to help the lungs stay open. Juliet began to slowly improve while Jacob was just barely hanging on. Things only got harder for Jacob as time went on. After 12 hours of life, he ripped a hole in his lung and it collapsed completely, even with the help of the vent. His oxygen saturation was dropping slowly. We were beginning to get into the range of brain damage from the lack of oxygen. Then, at 30 hours old, we were told he had a level 4 brain bleed. This is the worst kind and almost certain life long brain damage. His body started to shut itself down. At this point, Brett and I had to make a choice. We could keep him alive, but there was no chance he would ever come off the vent, or we could pull him off now, and get the chance to hold our baby boy before he left this world. As hard of a choice as it was to make, Brett and I knew what we had to do. Thursday November 8th, we watched as the nurse and doctor slowly unhooked our precious baby boy from the vent, and I held my son for the first time. He was so prefect laying in my arms. He was made to fit in my arms. He never took another breath. Brett and I got to hold our baby for the first and last time. Our pastor came and said a prayer with us as we held the body of our son who had already left this world. I kissed my son on the forehead, and said goodbye.

The Birth Story No One Wants....

Like I said before, it you get sick to your stomach easily, I would suggest not reading this post. This was not a pretty situation and not something anyone wants to go through. Even now, two weeks later I am still stunned it happened. So here we go: After using the bathroom, I was walking back to my bed when I felt something odd. I reached down and realized there was something hanging out of me. I immediately knew what it meant: Jacob's cord had prolapsed. For those of you who don't know, this means his umbilical cord fell out of my uterus. This is an extreme emergency, as the cord can then get kinked and the blood flow and oxygen can no longer reach the baby. Many times in this situation, the baby has already passed by the time anyone realizes there is a problem. Thankfully, my nurse was wonderful and got me moving down to the operation room ASAP. The doctor was ready and we had a huge team ready for these babies. We found a heartbeat for Jacob and knew we had to act quickly. The doctor realized the likelihood of Jacob surviving until the doctor could get him out was very slim and made a decision to keep Jacob alive. This meant that the nurse had to hold his head off the umbilical cord. Thankfully, my closed cervix from the day before had dilated all the way to a ten and we big enough for the nurse to put her hand through. So, she grabbed the cord, and pushed it all back in until she was holding his head up inside my uterus. I hear the doctor tell the nurse to keep her fingers back when he cuts so he does not hit her. She was told to hold onto him until the doctor took him out of her hands. The doctor was ready, but my medicine had not knocked me out yet. Looking at him, I told him "to get the babies the hell out". He realized I did not care about the pain, only my children surviving. He then made the choice to begin the c-section without the medication in full effect for me. I remember the sound of Jacob leaving the room moments later. The next thing I know is I am waking up in recovery. The pain was like nothing I had felt before. Unlike a normal c section, the spinal slowly wears off with the help of other pain medication. With me, I went from being knocked out, to waking up with no pain medication. But worse then that, no one would tell me how my babies were doing. If they were still alive even.

November 6th, 2012

Tuesday started off normal. The babies looked great on the monitors, and Brett came and took me for a wheelchair ride after lunch. It was the first time I had been out of my room since being admitted. I woke up that day with a headache, but no one seemed worried so I just ignored it. After lunch I was getting ready for a nap to help my headache go away when everything changed. If you get sick to your stomach easily, I would suggest skipping the next entry. Just know that the twins were born at 25 weeks and 4 days gestation. For those of you who want more details, get ready:

Hospital Bed Rest

On October 26th, 2012, at 24 weeks gestation, I was admitted at St. David's Hospital in Austin TX, for the long haul. My doctor and I were planning a very uneventful and boring hospital stay. The first few days were not that at all. I was given steroid shots to help mature the babies lungs, and two different antibiotics. Unfortunately, I was allergic to one antibiotic, and it ended up burning my arm. I had a major bleed, which is common with pPROM, but still very scary as it can be a sign of a placental abruption. Thankfully, it quickly stopped and things slowed down. The first week was uneventful after that and I slowly got into a routine. We made it to 265weeks and things were looking great. I have ultrasounds twice a week, and the babies seemed very happy in there. On Monday, November 5th, we had an ultrasound that looked wonderful. Baby Jacob had more fluid, was growing well, and there was not a single placental abruption. My cervix was closed and we had no contractions. It looked like another uneventful week was on it's way.

What is it exactly?

My water broke on August 1, 2012. I was 12 weeks pregnant. This is called Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes, or pPROM. This happens more often then you would think, but very rarely does it happen this early. The statistics are very bad, but also very limited. Most doctors encourage moms to terminate since the fetus has such a low chance of developing correctly. We were not able, nor would we ever terminate since this was a twin pregnancy. Twin A was rupture, and we were told that baby would have less then a 1% chance of survival. Twin B was also at risk. With the water ruptured, I could get an infection within hours and we would have to deliver to keep me from going septic. Twin B only had a 5% chance of survival. 80% of babies pass in the first 72 hours of pPROM, another 10% within the first 8 days, and the other 9+% at some point after that. Even if twin A could hold on until viability,(24 weeks gestation) the chances of survival were next to nothing since he would not be developed. The amniotic fluid does many things for the baby. It keeps pressure off of them so they can form their bones correctly. The baby swallows the fluid and gets the digestive system prepped and ready for food. It also is inhaled and exhaled to help strengthen the lungs and helps the tiny air sacks in the lungs to form. If there is not enough fluid, the lungs cannot form correctly, and the baby is not able to breath once they are born. The lungs are the biggest concern with pPROM. We were lucky to make it past the first 72 hours, then the first 8 days, and many more weeks after that. We never got much fluid back, but both babies looked good at every ultrasound. Twin A was a boy, and we named him Jacob Bradley. Twin B was a girl and we named her Juliet Marie. They were growing and thriving every week, and we began to breath a sigh of relief, as we made it closer, then past 24 weeks.

August 1, 2012

Everyone has dates that they will never forget. Some are good, some are bad. Everyone remembers where they were on September 11, 2001. I have many dates I will always remember. My first date with my husband. Our wedding day. Our children's birthdays. The day of my moms accident. The day my father-in-law passed away... And now August 1, 2012. It was a Wednesday. It was the day my water broke. I was 12 weeks pregnant.

What am I going to do with TWINS???

After seeing those two heartbeats, everything changed in a second. My brain went into overdrive. What do I need? How am I going to take care of two newborns? Am I going to be able to nurse them? What is this going to cost? ... The questions went on and on, every second of every day. As I slowly realize this is God's plan, I begin to get excited about the thought of twins. We share the news with just our parents, as we have lost a few babies before to miscarriage. This does not last long, as I quickly begin to show. My pregnancy continues to go on with many symptoms. (everyone tries to make me feel better by telling me that is a good sign). By the way, nothing helps you feel better when you have your face in a toilet every day. Finally at 11 weeks, we get another ultrasound. We discover we have fraternal twins, and they are both doing amazing! They each have their own placenta and amniotic sack. This is the safest type of twin pregnancy there is. My morning sickness is going away, and we officially announce to our friends and extended family we are expecting twins. We set up an appointment to see a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor (MFM) due to this pregnancy being high risk. Any twin pregnancy is high risk. I will admit, I was scared to death of having twins at first, but after seeing those two heartbeats, I cannot imagine our life without both precious babies in it.

Where to begin...

Let me begin by introducing myself and my family. My husband Brett and I met my freshman year in high school during track season. He was a Junior and our first date was Prom. We soon began dating and have been together ever since. We are high school sweethearts and would not have it any other way! We got married right after I graduated high school in 2007 and moved to Waco TX where Brett was going to Baylor University to get his degree in computer science. After he graduated, we moved to Leander, TX where we currently live. We have three beautiful children right now. Our oldest Luke just turned 6, our Princess Loralei will be 3 in March, and our little tank Jackson is now 15 months. We just celebrated our 5th year wedding anniversary, and what better way to celebrate.. then to have another baby!! After a long time in prayer over whether or not we would expand our family, God answer our prayers with a positive pregnancy test! Our first appointment was June 29, 2012. As we sat there excited to see the little heart flutter on the ultrasound, we heard the technician say "oh" and we both knew immediately what that meant. Twins... Not only was there one heartbeat flickering on the monitor; there were two. Two strong, beautiful heartbeats. This is the beginning of what will be the hardest, saddest, most wonderful and faith building experience in our lives. I look forward to sharing our story, to sharing the love and faithfulness God has shown us through this process. I will be slowing adding more, as I cannot do it all at once, for my own sanity. I look forward to shedding a little light on our path and our story and sharing this experience with you!