What Now?

I said goodbye to my son and wanted nothing more than to go crawl in a hole and cry. But, I still had a child fighting in the NICU. And she needed Mommy and Daddy. She needed to hear our voice: to know we are here for her. This is a road I have no clue how to navigate. I am emotional gone. I am trying to mourn the death of a child while trying to keep another one here, while still trying to recover from a cesarean section that was pure hell. I am questioning whether taking them when we did was the right decision. Would it have been better for Juliet to let Jacob pass to give her more time? My mind is full of what if's that will never be answered. I pass Jacob's incubator every time I go to see Juliet. She will always be known as "baby B" in the NICU, which just adds salt to the freshly left wound. There is no escaping the fact that I no longer have the two children I fought for so hard. I cannot avoid it. I am filling out birth certificates for my two babies, while Brett is filling out the death certificate. I cannot remember much of those first days, but I so desperately want to remember every memory I have of Jacob, because I know I will never get any more. I try to focus my attention on Juliet. After all, she is all I have left at this point. Our goals change. Our mission changes. We are now so determined to get Juliet home and doing everything we can to help her grow and heal. We pray a lot, which to be honest, was not the easiest thing to do after just losing a child. We will have one more day just for Jacob. His memorial service will be November 11, 2012.